Saturday, November 29, 2014

Summer gardening


In the summer garden I have been toting that bag around, deadheading, snipping, weeding. Then it gets dragged down to the compost bins. Where today, inbetween editing photos and writing a story, I must chop some large branchy bits into smaller, digestible pieces.

The Harlem terrace,  a world reversed, seems impossible. I am not sure what it will mean when I am back. Catless. He followed me from pot to pot hoping for a stray piece of grass, germinated from fallen bird seed. And Estorbo's wheat grass had only just been sown when I left. I even left a pot to germinate inside for him. Who knew he would be gone, when I returned?

I guess there is a cut off time for when one must stop writing about the loss of a cat. And just howl in bathrooms. On random floors. Behind closed doors. Yell at the air that you want him undead.

Death is so unacceptable.

30 comments:

  1. Cut off time only for polite society, not for cat lovers. Given how your readers felt about Estorbo, you are nowhere near it. Peace ... Mary

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  2. No limitations in this place. You help all of us.

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  3. Rant away. He'd enjoy that, I'm sure.

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  4. Sometimes one doesn't get over the loss of a pet. I had one that I still can't talk about without crying. Feel free to mourn, rant, scream and cry.

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  5. There is no statue of limitations on mourning a beloved pet. My gray Wolf cat, who moved with me from Chicago to California, helped me survive a huge breakup, and was a good friend his entire life, has been dead since 1993 and I still get a lump in my throat when I think about.
    If you stop talking about him, we'll feel even worse and so will you.

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  6. We lost Oli cat unexpectedly this Summer, but chat about him often which keeps his memory with us. Cuts us up every time; but the alternative is letting him slip away - which we cannot do. At some point he will still be with us without it hurting so much, I guess - although we are not there yet.

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  7. I agree...no statue of limitations on mourning or talking about a beloved friend. I miss Storbie nearly as much as I'd miss my own. He was larger than life with a unique take of the English language.

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  8. When my beautiful cat died last year, I bought a cat statue in her memory. It sits under the willow tree by the bird feeders. I can see it from my kitchen window and I smile and think of her when I see it. It helped me find peace, but I still miss her like crazy. I hope you find peace in your loss.

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  9. he's past into the grayt mist tree, but el alma es eterna.
    as he mite say, cut yerself sum slak wooman, i'm not evn 2 weeks on.
    for me, I no sorro takes its own tyme. i'll miss him a littul less if yu kud talk abowt him sum littul bit more.

    feel free to 'burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light' -- yur among frends.

    as ever-
    halloween
    ~^:^~

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  10. Yes, he was a cat, and yes, some people won't ever understand how much we love them.
    All they ask of us is a bit of food, to sleep close to us, and maybe a good petting session now and then. In exchange they listen patiently to all of our troubles (over and over again), let us shed rivers of tears on them, and comfort us with purrs, nose rubs, and loving gazes. My heart goes out to you ... keep writing about your friend as long as you need to Marie, this is your soft place to fall. xx Sue
    My own boy is now 15 years old and I know my heart will be forever broken when he is gone.

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  11. Clearly you are not alone in this Marie. We are all here, broken hearted with you. Being his wooman, you have more permission than the rest of us put together. Feel what is in your heart and do not judge. Grief is the shadow of love. xo

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  12. The picture of your parents' garden is so beautiful ... And then your post just broke my heart. There is no time when one can or must stop mourning for a cat. My childhood cat companion passed away four years ago and occasionally a tear still wells up in my eye when I think of her.

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  13. I read your post as I look at my kitty not knowing how much longer he will be with me. I want to soak him up and don't know how to bottle his presence for when he is gone. I don't want to think about it, but I know its coming. Congested heart failure with maybe year or less to live. But how do I let go of the previous 14 years of unconditional love and companionship. Always there when other have left. To many just a cat, to me the closest I will ever get to a child.

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  14. One more comment . . . I have seen Estorbo mentioned by the writers of blogs which had never referred to yours before or were listed on yours or who listed 66 Square Feet on theirs. Clearly, he had a large, large following, people who understand how you feel. I have loved every cat I've been privileged to live with, but one in particular will always be in my heart. It was a long time before I was able to think of her first with gratitude for having known her, rather than my own pain. And then, when my heart stopped aching so terribly, I could feel her again, as if she were right here with me. It takes (frustratingly) time, but that is what I wish for you. Mary

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  15. I think of you often and wonder when the trip back will be. Please know that we, and I am sure I speck for many of us, do not think there should be a cut-off time for thinking and writing about our loved ones regardless of their human or animal classification. Mourning loved ones needs to take as long as it takes. I have come to regard mourning as an important way to acknowledge what we gained from having them in our lives. Also, Clarissa Pinkola-Estes in her story about the Underground forest (Women who run with Wolves) notes that tears are the holy water of the soul so we need to cry to help clear out the pain and hurt that result from losing a loved one.

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  16. There is no time limit.on grief. None. No matter what "they" say. My eyes still wellup, so I can only imagine how much worse it is for you :(

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  17. Like gardening,duties, the grief over loss of a beloved pet never goes away. Two years since a beloved dog passed. I still think about her and miss her every day. All a friend, who also loved the dog,has to do is mention the dog's name and recall one of the dog's manerisms and I start weeping. Don't try to brush off the grief Marie and Vince. Estorbo will always be with you and small things will remind you of him at unexpected times.

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  18. There is no time limit on grief; and love is forever. He wasn't just a cat, he was family. My mother shot my beloved St. Bernard Sam when I was away at school one day; that was over 40 years ago and I still tear up when I think of him. Estorbo will live on not only in you but in all of us.

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  19. I can only echo all the eloquent commenters who posted before me.

    You can still be ranting a year from now and not a soul who reads you blog and loves you and Vince and the feline god known as Storbie will blink an eye.

    Sending you peace and hugs my friend.

    xo J

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  20. I am so sorry for your loss and it is difficult to stop thinking about it. Gardening is a wonderful way to be doing something positive when you get through these feelings.

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  21. I'm so sorry about your cat. I know how hard that is. Grieve aloud here as much as you need to.

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  22. There is no cut off time. I still wake up crying and it's been almost three years. Just not every day.

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  23. I am 23rding the sentiment expressed above. Take as long as you like and as public or private as you like. We all care for you.

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  24. My heart aches for your loss Marie. I say write about your feelings as long as you need to. We all understand and will be here to listen. May peace be with you during this time of great loss and sadness.

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  25. Ditto all of the above, especially jane and halloween... words run out but love never will.
    I'm still yelling at the air for my feline mentor 11 years on - the gaps they leave in us stay open and we carry on living around these holes, gradually filling them up with memories, love and light in celebration of a precious wise being in a cat suit having travelled through life in our company...x

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  26. Estorbo will be in your heart and ours forever. Like others, I miss all of the animals who have been entrusted to me. Not all the time. Sometimes out of the blue. Enough to remind me how special they were and how lucky I was.

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  27. I like the concept of compost BINS, not just one measly one.It makes me glad. Your grief doesn't. Death is shit, whether cat or parent or partner. You miss the soul you shared in, and you miss the loving of that soul. Nothing wrong with it. Hold onto it for as long as you feel necessary. Anything goes.

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  28. We want him back too, Marie - you're not alone. Take the time you need.

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  29. Mortality is such a painfully high price for life. The pain of losing a family member lasts. He had a wonderful life, but that doesn't make the ache any easier.

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  30. It has been 6.5 years, and I still miss Dubby. I never really got to say goodbye; we thought we'd be going away for a weekend and picking him up from the vet when we got home. I still hold a lot of regret in my heart, that I didn't linger with him just a little bit longer before we got into that elevator and left him, that I didn't spend as much time with him in general as I wish I would have. We had such a short time together, and his death was so unexpected, so cruel. He was as special to me as I know Estorbo was to you. Dubby and Kali and I saved each other, I truly believe that. I could not have become the person I am today without their special place in my life's journey. Don't apologize for missing Storbie, not now, not 5 years from now. He was so special. Take your time. Your heart will heal in its own time, but you will still miss him, and that's okay. xo

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